Barrens, Level 29

Dear Wailing Caverns,

Really?

I mean, does every one of your paths and tunnels have to loop around, only to find myself where I just was?

I’ve been wandering your damp grottos for close to three months! (84 and one-half days) I went through my supply of Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers in the first week and could go for something more satisfying than the occasional mushroom. (quite-to-moderately hungry) Somewhere, there’s a large tankard of Hair of the Hare with my name on it.

Loved your Giant Murloc!

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Sorry about the mess in the Pit of Fangs.

Ironforge, Level 28

Dear King Magni,

I love your city! I especially enjoy using all of your mailboxes, but my favorite by far is just outside of the bank. I write quite a bit, so I’m always mailing, and that one has it all. I think Stormwind may have overdone it when they recently installed new boxes. You can’t swing an axe without hitting one. (still no bathrooms) Yesterday, while doing my mailing, I was taken aback by a feminine Night Elf in a rather severe state of undress. (semi-to-very nude!) I’m not used to seeing such lewd behavior in your fine city. (Great forge!)

What is your policy on public nudity? I like to shed my male mail after a hard day, but there’s a time and place. (a good whirlpool bath) And after a few brews, who doesn’t practice their dance moves wearing nothing but their shield and mace?

I’ve not had many dealings with Night Elves (a lot of flesh) but if that’s what they’re about, I’d just as well do my business exclusively with Dwarves. This young pixie pranced near naked throughout The Commons, and her naturally smooth skin was a bit distracting, so I’m not certain I could choose her from a lineup. Is it customary for Night Elves to be only partially clothed? Where do they gather?

I haven’t seen this much flesh since the annual naked Gnome race runs through Dun Morogh. Then again, they’re wee, so there isn’t as much nudity on them, is there? Are there any similar contests that elves participate in? Where? (so much flesh)

Please consider doing something about the naked situation. Perhaps posting detailed likenesses of the offenders would help.

Thank you for your attention on this matter.

Yours respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Where do you get your hair cut?

Dun Morogh, Level 26

Dear Mr. Ironkeg,

I was saddened to learn you've declined my application to participate in this year’s Brewfest. (re: “Pebblebottom’s curiously tasty Hair of the Hare”) Your festival has created major buzz. In fact, it’s hard to travel anywhere near Ironforge without someone practically begging to try their super brew! (it echoes a bit) Compliments, Ipfel! I am genuinely happy for you and will allow you to finish your festival. But I must insist that “Hair of the Hare” is one of the finest ales of all time.

My independent research has shown that people really respond to my marketing campaign! ("Put's hair where you want it!") Many times, after the first sip, they’ll make the kind of face reserved for superior brews. (Somewhat scrunched, and a slight head shake) In these last days of the festival, I’ve decided to bring my drink to the people and have begun barking my own wares. Instead of galloping by, I stood in the middle of the Ironforge auction house, yelling for people to “try my super brew!” (Apparently, that’s frowned upon, as I was asked by several citizens to take it outside.)

As a service to your patrons, I suggest rotating your entertainment. It’s hard to miss the raucous clamor as I pass by, and I always hear those same three sots yelling awful wisecracks. (A goblin who can spell, we get it already!) The music is a wee repetitive as well. I suspect the Dark Irons may just be trying to stop the music. (The music!)

Perhaps you would like to book “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” for next year’s event. I would gladly offer a 16 minute performance, pending my accepted brew vendor application. (Let’s get some people cockeyed!)

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom, creator of Hair of the Hair
“It’s like kissing a rabbit!”

Ironforge, Level 19

Dear Ms. Brassbrush,

What the forge have you done! I came in for a beard trim—some ear hair removal—and you slaughtered me! (A brunette! Do I look like a gnome to you?) I used to be the envy of many passers by. They’d point and say, “That’s some hair!” This new hairstyle is unacceptable. How do you make a living!?

You really botched this job! My usual tidy appearance is now disheveled and common. (Thank you for taking care of the ear hairs. No more rustling!) Now, passers by just pass by. No attention whatsoever. The ladies at the auction house don’t even turn to look at me and then take a few steps back to take it all in. Now they just stare straight-ahead, avoiding eye contact.

I’ve been butchered! I’m going to have to visit a butcher to see if he can fix this mess. I like the new scrunchie, but the rest has to go!

Please consider spending my fifteen silver on a copy of Celebrity Dwarf Hair Today. I want the Magni!

R. Pebblebottom

Stormwind, Level 14

Dear Mr. Alexston,

I have long admired your city since I arrived here yesterday. I love the many bridges and the convenient prison complex in the center of town. Very handy!

During a long day of drinking, a fellow bar patron suggested I write you with my question. Where are the bathrooms? A city this size should certainly have a lavatory or two. Maybe one with a place to hang your axe? I like reading materials. Will you have those? (gentleman’s magazines, graphic novels, Jumble, etc.)

I considered that perhaps the canals were intended for this purpose, but I’ve heard there are crocolisks in them and don’t want to risk an attack. Also, a young boy has needed to pee for what seems like days now. If only for the children, please provide adequate facilities.

In Ironforge, I’ve seen others relieve themselves in the Great Forge. (“Use the forge!”) Very sanitary, but you have to be careful. The forge you have here is not suitable. Stormwind needs bathrooms!

I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

Kharanos, Level 10

Dear Innkeeper Belm,

I was recently doing some market research in your inn—wink—and noticed you are serving “bunny on a sword”. Why? I have always enjoyed your freshly baked and tough hunks of bread, but don’t see the need for whole bunnies impaled on swords. After traveling throughout Dun Morogh, protecting these noble creatures from vicious snow leopards, who wants to eat one? The fur!

How about Wolf on an Axe? I had Boar on a Dagger once, but got very ill. (May not have been the boar. I was eating Bear on a Staff as well.) Do you have anything for upset stomachs?

I no longer wish to make your inn my home, but will return for your wonderful brews from time to time. Have you tried the Hair of the Hare yet? It’s true what they say.

Thank you for looking into this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Do you have Wendigo on a Mace?