Go’Shek Farm, Level 35

Dear Kinelory,

I think we made a pretty good pair when taking down that chemist fellow. He sure wasn’t expecting the two of us to come knocking, was he? He was probably whipping up a batch of mai tais when we popped in and hit the cocktail shaker from his hands. (Have you tried Hair of the Hare yet?)

Thank you for healing me as I bashed up those orcish fellows. And I especially liked how you turned into a great big bear on occasion. (So furry!) Do you know any other tricks like that? Where did your clothes go? Once, I thought I saw a bear wearing a kilt in a tavern. (Possibly a plump cat or gnome.)

I noticed that there was a bathroom down on that farm. (Not many around) Do you think you could cover me while I use it? I wouldn’t normally ask a feminine elf like yourself, but I felt we shared a special bond. Mostly when you asked me to watch your rear while you rummaged through that drug dealer’s bottles. (I watched pretty closely. Some staring, but mostly glancing.)

I wasn’t expecting you to ask me to race you back to your post. (still gawking somewhat. nice pants.) I almost lost track of you when those three orcs jumped me, but I handled it okay.

You’re a little playful, and very nimble on your feet. I bet you’re good at skipping and leaping as well. Have you heard about the upcoming Prance Around? There will be food, swimming and bunnies. No eating of or swimming with bunnies permitted. (some romping and mild frolicking) I hope to see you there. Maybe I can buy you an ale.

Fondly,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 34

Dear Marshal Redpath,

You recently asked me to conk some ogres and seemed pretty bent on me taking their knucklebones. I have to admit, I kind of blew it at first. I beat up those big guys pretty good, and then took their fingers. I thought maybe you had a thing for knuckles. I had an uncle who was into little toes. (Not the big ones! Ew.) Or maybe you collected unique and hard-to-find knuckles and had a little display case at home. (No Mrs. Redpath in this scenario of course.)

When I was rummaging through one of their loincloths (robust odor) looking for spare change, I noticed that they actually carry knucklebones! My bad, good sir. What a knucklehead! It appears the funky brutes use them as some sort of dice to play games amongst themselves. But evidently the ones I gathered were dirty!

I was happy to help you take those crooked knucklebones off the streets. Although those pungent ogres seemed pretty simple-minded, I understand now that they’re cleverly running some sort of recreational item black market. What’s next? Unclean checkers? Smudged dominoes!? (I do enjoy a good game of Filthy Boggle.)

If you’re interested in a bag of bruised ogre knuckles, I know where you can get them. Perhaps you could make a delicious knuckle sandwich. (mustard, Alterac swiss, tough hunk of bread, yum!)

Until next time,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 33

Dear Bartolo Ginsetti,

Thank you for making me that cloak. I’ve worn many cloaks, capes and panchos in my day, and although I’ve only named two (Mr. Giddywinkle & Neil) I do not agree that this one is the finest. (Pretty nice though.)

The stitching is a little coarse and it clashes horribly with my pants. (snug in the back and itchy.) (cloak, not pants.) I suspect that this piece is actually from last season’s collection and you tried to pawn it off on me as new. (warrior cloaks are mid-short to half-long this season) Do I look like I have the fashion sense of a gnome? I had that haircut fixed!

The up side is that I do enjoy looking like a yeti from behind. I imagine giving the gals in the auction house a fright by walking in backwards, roaring at the top of my lungs. (Maybe a little yowling.)

Instead of standing around in Southshore, a man of your taste might do better in a bigger market. Half the shops in Stormwind are tailors, so you should travel there to keep in touch with today’s fashions. Do not actually touch the fashions though, they don’t like me doing that. (mildly dirty hands) You could open a boutique in the canal district called The Practical Cloak. And your tagline could be “It’s no joke!” I’ve done a fair share of market research (swapping barrels, steak fingers, etc) and that name will really hit home with the cloak bloke demographic. Imagine a faux fur product line called “Not Yeti”! Maybe with pants.

Don’t forget, in fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out. Now make it work!

Auf Wiedersehen,
R. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 33

Dear Mr. Staghelm,

I’ve recently taken an interest in your people’s culture. So far, my adventures have been based out of Ironforge, but I’m told your tree-house city is wondrous. People tell me they like being in the branches. (Very few complain of slight motion sickness when the wind blows.)

I write with a proposition I’d like to run past you. I would take it up with Ms. Whisperwind, but I’ve heard you have vision that she lacks. (My vision is pretty good, but it’s been a while since a doctor checked me out. Ha ha.) I’m organizing an event to take place in your fair city of Darnassus, “Capital of the rarely-clothed Night Elves.”

I will present “Pebblebottom’s First Annual Semi-to-Very Nude Night Elf Prance Around”! Ever since I saw my first somewhat-clothed feminine night elf (pretty sure it was a woman, curvy and smooth) I’ve been thinking this needs to happen. A guy in the Ironforge auction house said naked night elves are pretty common, so why not have fun while you’re at it? (King Magni would never go for this, it must be Darnassus!)

The event features upwards of seven participants in various states of undress, frolicking in and around your city. (All participants will be night elves. One dwarf.) We will be swimming in your pools and using your mailboxes. We will require vendors to provide water and food as contestants frolic and leap, dance and run, well into the evening.

In addition “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” will perform, providing long and short hops for the revelers to mimic. (No nibbling!) There have been rumors of a large-scale game of “Spin the Empty Vial”, but that will not happen this time. (The Brewfest incident!) We’ll stick to the skipping and undressing, romping and disrobing.

I eagerly await and look forward to filling out the proper forms and paperwork required to make this event happen! Let’s get this prance around off the ground!

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom