Feathermoon Stronghold, Level 42

Dear Quintis Jonespyre,

I was recently in the Feralas area gathering some kocktail ingredients for a friend, when I spotted a ferry traveling to your charming island. I’m a sucker for a good boat ride! I did my traditional mid-deck dance and yodeled with the crew a bit, but they weren’t very talkative. (Slight nods, some bouncing.) They certainly take the long way around, don’t they?

That psychic trick you did was pretty neat. It really helped me out with a favor I was doing. I know it put a wobble in your step, but do you think you could do readings of a few more items? (23 at most, may need two readings on some.)

I have a pair of pants I’m curious about. (moderate craftsmanship, brownish, no pockets) I got them off a yeti I was skinning, and have had ‘em in my bag for a while. They’re pretty ripe, but what can I say, I’m pants fan, so I take what I can find. My pants collection is coming along nicely and I hope the Ironforge Arts Council will host my exhibit in the near future. (Watch for Pebblebottom’s Breathtaking Insect-Free Trouser Showcase later this year. “There’s no ants in my pants!”)

Do you think you could make the time to analyze them for me? I’m pretty sure they have a good story. I mean, what does a yeti need with pants anyway? Did his mother lovingly knit them for him? Or do you think they were hand-me-downs from his big yeti brother? I can’t wait to find out!

Looking forward to my next visit.
R. Pebblebottom

Hinterlands, Level 41

Dear Rhapsody Shindigger,

Gryphon Master Talonaxe and I are a little concerned about your recent drinking. Of course, he lives in an oversized gryphon nest, so I’m a little concerned about him too. When I came to visit, you were pretty tanked, yet you asked me fetch you another round! Maybe you always kind of sway around and burp a lot. I could scare those hiccups out of you if you want. (may involve jumping out of the bushes in a yeti cape) Have you tried holding your breath? How about the old thumbs in the nose bit? (do not attempt to smell. dangerous!)

One time I got so cockeyed drunk that I misplaced my hearthstone. I remember bits and pieces, light hiccupping, no nose-thumbs, semi haircut.

Even though I think you’ve had enough, I just got my ram pimped and want to see how she handles on the curves. Plus, I’m really curious about what happened to you in that swamp! Sure hope I don’t sog my skivvies when you tell me. I have a feeling it’s gonna be good!

I see you don’t have a shower or bath at your camp. (I found you by sense of smell.) You may want to consider relocating to the Aerie Peak area. They have a nice little public well. I’m assuming it’s water, but might also be a clever ale distribution point. (both would be great for washing up!) Also, I noticed either a massive telescope or the biggest cannon I’ve ever seen! I think they’re really trying hard to bring in tourist dollars. I’ve enclosed a nice snapshot courtesy of the Aerie Peak Convention and Visitors Bureau.

“Aerie Peak. Look for the big bird!”

Maybe Talonaxe will even let you crash in his massive nest for a few days. I’ll be back in a few with your drink.

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. I love your malt! Have you tried Hair of the Hare yet?

Ironforge, Level 40

Dear Mr. Sternhammer,

How are you? I am fine. Thanks so much for teaching me to wear plate armor! I’ve been taking a lot of hits lately and could really use something a little sturdier than mail. I was recently struck with 108 lightning bolts, and the mail did little to protect me. For four days, I thought I was a night elf hunter named Timothy. Have you seen this happen before? Will the plate help with that? Have you met Timothy? (nice guy, little to no facial hair)

I spent some time in the auction house buying myself some new pieces of armor. It arrived in the mail very quickly (no extra shipping charges!) and I’m pretty happy with how it looks. (a few rusty areas. mostly chest, pits, groin) The new gear is heavier than it sounds, so it looks like I’ll need to get in shape. Ironforge could use a gymnasium. People love lifting things and working up a good sweat!


When buying my new outfit, I’m not sure, but I think that gnome auctioneer was marking up prices. (no yeti cape or yowling this time, so must have been something else she didn’t like) I think the redheaded lass was making eyes at me, occasional blinking and subtle nods, so I decided to take my business over to her instead. I laid on the charm hoping to get a few good deals. (frequent hand raising and sporadic cheers) She’s a sturdy gal with just a peek of midriff. Yee! I tried influencing her with some Hair of the Hare and a romantic walk around The Commons, but apparently she was working a double shift. (might have been washing hair as well, not sure)

Do the ladies dig plate, or should I get some “around town” gear as well? I could keep them in the locker room at the gymnasium. Please keep me in mind when they open one up. I am very conscientious about wiping up afterwards.

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 38

Dear Darla Harris,

I believe I recently left some items on one of your gryphons. It was a bundle of eight liferoots. I’m sure you get people trying to rummage through your “lost and found” all the time, but I really need those roots! I’ve been lugging them around for quite a while ever since I bought them off the auction house. I can’t pick flowers or herbs myself so this would really help me out. (harder than it looks! I’ve tried picking, but just can’t seem to get the hang of it.)

The gryphon I rode in on was grayish brown and had a bad cough and odd smell. I could probably pick him out of a gryphon lineup if you want to arrange that. I may have to sit on each one and really take a good whiff. (wet feather odor mostly, somewhat minty)

I didn’t get a good look at the rider after me. Do you keep records of all passengers? Has anyone ever made off with one of your gryphons before? I imagine a couple of gryphon treats mid-flight and a person could persuade one to fly the coop. (so to speak)

What do gryphons like to eat? I’m working on a new fish finger recipe that they might like. (mostly surplus crocolisk, some clam meat) They’re called Flying Fish Fingers and are the perfect in-flight treat. “There’s nothing fishy about these fingers!” I’m working on a mango salsa as well. Have you ever considered adding tray tables and cup holders to your mounts? People love ‘em. They’re great!

Please let me know if you see those roots. (tiny bundle) I’m not trying to pull a fast one! I need them in order to beat up a cyclone guy for a new axe. (long story) Please let me know if you find my items. In the meantime, I’ll be heading back to Ironforge to buy more liferoot. Do you give refunds without a receipt?

I anxiously look forward to your response.

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. I noticed your “no pets on board” policy and was wondering if there was a waiver I could obtain. I think my rabbit would really enjoy feeling the wind on his ears. Let’s get this bunny off the ground!

Stranglethorn Vale, Level 38

Dear Private Thorsen,

You’re welcome for saving you. To be honest, I really was just hoping to skin the panther you were fighting once you were done with it. You were taking a while and seemed to be struggling a bit, so I thought I’d help you out. Then, as I was skinning the beast, you started roughhousing with those two fellas. You three were making so much noise, I had to help you out again. (mid to major racket. slight grunting, small yelps, possibly whimpering.)

I would have kept adventuring with you and your Lieutenant, but I’m a little busy collecting tusks for a witch doctor. I think he’s a witch doctor. Could be a witch dentist. Ha!

He wants a load and a half of them, but I’ve noticed that some of these trolls don’t have very good dental hygiene. (Only floss the ones you wanna keep!) Do you think it matters if they’re nice-looking tusks or not? I don’t want to take any chances when a shiny new axe is on the line!

You may want to head to Stormwind and hit the target dummies to work on your technique. I noticed you pretty much had only one move, and it wasn’t a very good move. (tiny hip movements, jerky arm waving with very little shimmying. your constant shrieking wasn’t helping) I have a trainer that’s been teaching me some exciting techniques that he may be willing to share. (some grunting, but little to no yelping.) You’ll be fending of off the small wildlife in no time!

Good luck with your whole traitor thing!

R. Pebblebottom

Stormwind, Level 38

Dear Angus Stern,

Thank you for the many, many thanks! I was happy to help you out, and it sounds like you’ll be able to pull off your banquet after all. Chilled Basilisk in Lime Vinaigrette sounds pretty fancy. I’ve been eating a lot of soft banana bread lately, and I’m looking for something new to nosh on. (the bread sits in my bag and is only moderately soft by the time I eat it. partially firm.)

You seem to know what you’re doing, and I’d love to trade recipes with you. I have one that your noble might appreciate—a low-calorie honey mustard dipping sauce used for croc fingers. Will you be serving fingers of any sort at the party? (croc, chicken, ogre, etc.) I always say, “it’s not a party until you bring out the fingers!”

If you don’t mind my asking, who is the noble? I’d like to personally wish him or her a happy birthday. (Maybe speak with them about the bathroom situation here in Stormwind.) I could bring a dish or two and join in the fun. I assume there will be the usual prancing, and I know a party game or two. (I assure you, the Brewfest incident is almost always exaggerated.) Of course, I would have Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny accompany me. He could entertain the royalty with small hops and tasteful scratching. (some nibbling. delightful!)

Will the celebration be at The Blue Recluse? Kind of odd to name the place after a depressed loner and then throw a stylish reception there. Unless you mean the recluse himself is the color blue. Then you’d have the entertainment covered, and probably don’t need Plops to come after all. I’d like to meet the recluse as well! (may just be holding breath for long stretches. Is that part of the act?)

I’m a little surprised your tavern didn’t book Plops on his last tour. We hit up all the usual lounges and really wowed them! (negligible nudity) Perhaps you’d like to book in advance for the upcoming summer tour, “The Plop It Like It’s Hot Eastern Kingdoms Tour”. (Let’s get ploppin’!) Please contact me to request a demo reel.

Bon Appétit!
R. Pebblebottom

Refuge Point, Level 37

Dear Skuerto,

Seems like there’s a real ogre problem in these parts. (pretty fragrant) Have you considered developing some sort of ogre trap? They seem a little dopey, and I bet they’d fall for the old wild-hog-shank-under-a-box trick. Or you could probably fool them with an ogre costume. I know a tailor that might be able to make you one. I have a backwards yeti costume that works just great! (some yowling involved)

I just wrapped up all the ogre chores you asked me to do. I got the wand, snagged a gem, and then got it enchanted. I headed to the tower to get your loot, and when I used the pedestal to call for defenses, a ton of ogres came out of the woodwork! (pretty big ones, so may have actually been a ton of them. didn’t ask their weight, just a guesstimate.)

I was using every maneuver I had just to stay on my feet. The little water fellows that also appeared didn’t even distract them, just watched as I frantically swung my new axe about. (may have been protecting Plops. not sure.) Many, many ogres. So many ogres.

Seemed like after every item I collected for you, there were more ogres! (They came from… behind!) Seriously, look into a trap of some sort.

I was so beaten up when I reached the top of the tower, I was out of healing potions and had to bandage up. Do you have any idea where the cloth for those bandages came from?! Ogre loins!! I’ll probably get an infection from applying ogre sweat to my wounds. (cuts and scrapes, bruising, and other slight boo-boos, some minor armor scratches. no rashes yet.)

I must admit, the silk loincloths they wear are a novel idea. I may have to consider including them in my summer collection. “Why let ogres have all the fun!”

Anyhow, thanks for the adventure. I’ll let you know when the swelling goes down.

R. Pebblebottom

Go’Shek Farm, Level 35

Dear Kinelory,

I think we made a pretty good pair when taking down that chemist fellow. He sure wasn’t expecting the two of us to come knocking, was he? He was probably whipping up a batch of mai tais when we popped in and hit the cocktail shaker from his hands. (Have you tried Hair of the Hare yet?)

Thank you for healing me as I bashed up those orcish fellows. And I especially liked how you turned into a great big bear on occasion. (So furry!) Do you know any other tricks like that? Where did your clothes go? Once, I thought I saw a bear wearing a kilt in a tavern. (Possibly a plump cat or gnome.)

I noticed that there was a bathroom down on that farm. (Not many around) Do you think you could cover me while I use it? I wouldn’t normally ask a feminine elf like yourself, but I felt we shared a special bond. Mostly when you asked me to watch your rear while you rummaged through that drug dealer’s bottles. (I watched pretty closely. Some staring, but mostly glancing.)

I wasn’t expecting you to ask me to race you back to your post. (still gawking somewhat. nice pants.) I almost lost track of you when those three orcs jumped me, but I handled it okay.

You’re a little playful, and very nimble on your feet. I bet you’re good at skipping and leaping as well. Have you heard about the upcoming Prance Around? There will be food, swimming and bunnies. No eating of or swimming with bunnies permitted. (some romping and mild frolicking) I hope to see you there. Maybe I can buy you an ale.

Fondly,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 34

Dear Marshal Redpath,

You recently asked me to conk some ogres and seemed pretty bent on me taking their knucklebones. I have to admit, I kind of blew it at first. I beat up those big guys pretty good, and then took their fingers. I thought maybe you had a thing for knuckles. I had an uncle who was into little toes. (Not the big ones! Ew.) Or maybe you collected unique and hard-to-find knuckles and had a little display case at home. (No Mrs. Redpath in this scenario of course.)

When I was rummaging through one of their loincloths (robust odor) looking for spare change, I noticed that they actually carry knucklebones! My bad, good sir. What a knucklehead! It appears the funky brutes use them as some sort of dice to play games amongst themselves. But evidently the ones I gathered were dirty!

I was happy to help you take those crooked knucklebones off the streets. Although those pungent ogres seemed pretty simple-minded, I understand now that they’re cleverly running some sort of recreational item black market. What’s next? Unclean checkers? Smudged dominoes!? (I do enjoy a good game of Filthy Boggle.)

If you’re interested in a bag of bruised ogre knuckles, I know where you can get them. Perhaps you could make a delicious knuckle sandwich. (mustard, Alterac swiss, tough hunk of bread, yum!)

Until next time,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 33

Dear Bartolo Ginsetti,

Thank you for making me that cloak. I’ve worn many cloaks, capes and panchos in my day, and although I’ve only named two (Mr. Giddywinkle & Neil) I do not agree that this one is the finest. (Pretty nice though.)

The stitching is a little coarse and it clashes horribly with my pants. (snug in the back and itchy.) (cloak, not pants.) I suspect that this piece is actually from last season’s collection and you tried to pawn it off on me as new. (warrior cloaks are mid-short to half-long this season) Do I look like I have the fashion sense of a gnome? I had that haircut fixed!

The up side is that I do enjoy looking like a yeti from behind. I imagine giving the gals in the auction house a fright by walking in backwards, roaring at the top of my lungs. (Maybe a little yowling.)

Instead of standing around in Southshore, a man of your taste might do better in a bigger market. Half the shops in Stormwind are tailors, so you should travel there to keep in touch with today’s fashions. Do not actually touch the fashions though, they don’t like me doing that. (mildly dirty hands) You could open a boutique in the canal district called The Practical Cloak. And your tagline could be “It’s no joke!” I’ve done a fair share of market research (swapping barrels, steak fingers, etc) and that name will really hit home with the cloak bloke demographic. Imagine a faux fur product line called “Not Yeti”! Maybe with pants.

Don’t forget, in fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out. Now make it work!

Auf Wiedersehen,
R. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 33

Dear Mr. Staghelm,

I’ve recently taken an interest in your people’s culture. So far, my adventures have been based out of Ironforge, but I’m told your tree-house city is wondrous. People tell me they like being in the branches. (Very few complain of slight motion sickness when the wind blows.)

I write with a proposition I’d like to run past you. I would take it up with Ms. Whisperwind, but I’ve heard you have vision that she lacks. (My vision is pretty good, but it’s been a while since a doctor checked me out. Ha ha.) I’m organizing an event to take place in your fair city of Darnassus, “Capital of the rarely-clothed Night Elves.”

I will present “Pebblebottom’s First Annual Semi-to-Very Nude Night Elf Prance Around”! Ever since I saw my first somewhat-clothed feminine night elf (pretty sure it was a woman, curvy and smooth) I’ve been thinking this needs to happen. A guy in the Ironforge auction house said naked night elves are pretty common, so why not have fun while you’re at it? (King Magni would never go for this, it must be Darnassus!)

The event features upwards of seven participants in various states of undress, frolicking in and around your city. (All participants will be night elves. One dwarf.) We will be swimming in your pools and using your mailboxes. We will require vendors to provide water and food as contestants frolic and leap, dance and run, well into the evening.

In addition “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” will perform, providing long and short hops for the revelers to mimic. (No nibbling!) There have been rumors of a large-scale game of “Spin the Empty Vial”, but that will not happen this time. (The Brewfest incident!) We’ll stick to the skipping and undressing, romping and disrobing.

I eagerly await and look forward to filling out the proper forms and paperwork required to make this event happen! Let’s get this prance around off the ground!

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom

Fray Island, Level 31

Dear Klannoc Macleod,

I really enjoyed your little fight club. Don’t worry I won’t talk about it.

Thanks again for teaching me berserker stance. There are times when I just wanna go berserk, (dinosaurs!) and now I can feel confident that I’m doing it properly. I hope to come back to your island in order to learn bonkers stance too. That one sounds fun, and with less hair pulling.

Have you ever considered a ferry or gondola to your island? There’s a nice dock in Ratchet you could use. Maybe the gondolier could sing or even yodel. I discovered the sandbar between the shore and your island on my way back, but there were some nasty looking makruras I had to avoid on my swim out. (pretty big pincers) You could probably make a little extra coin from each trip and build yourself some nice brawling facilities.

That sixth guy I fought was kind of a pushover, don’t you think? Also, I felt a little guilty rummaging through Big Will’s pockets after I downed him, but he did have 2 silver and 6 copper on him. That’ll buy a few pairs of pants! When he gets up, just let him know it wasn’t anything personal, just business. He’s a professional, so I’m sure he’ll understand.

Looking forward to learning maniacal stance too!

With gratitude,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. What is Big Will’s gear score?

Barrens, Level 29

Dear Wailing Caverns,

Really?

I mean, does every one of your paths and tunnels have to loop around, only to find myself where I just was?

I’ve been wandering your damp grottos for close to three months! (84 and one-half days) I went through my supply of Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers in the first week and could go for something more satisfying than the occasional mushroom. (quite-to-moderately hungry) Somewhere, there’s a large tankard of Hair of the Hare with my name on it.

Loved your Giant Murloc!

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Sorry about the mess in the Pit of Fangs.