Ironforge, Level 28

Dear King Magni,

I love your city! I especially enjoy using all of your mailboxes, but my favorite by far is just outside of the bank. I write quite a bit, so I’m always mailing, and that one has it all. I think Stormwind may have overdone it when they recently installed new boxes. You can’t swing an axe without hitting one. (still no bathrooms) Yesterday, while doing my mailing, I was taken aback by a feminine Night Elf in a rather severe state of undress. (semi-to-very nude!) I’m not used to seeing such lewd behavior in your fine city. (Great forge!)

What is your policy on public nudity? I like to shed my male mail after a hard day, but there’s a time and place. (a good whirlpool bath) And after a few brews, who doesn’t practice their dance moves wearing nothing but their shield and mace?

I’ve not had many dealings with Night Elves (a lot of flesh) but if that’s what they’re about, I’d just as well do my business exclusively with Dwarves. This young pixie pranced near naked throughout The Commons, and her naturally smooth skin was a bit distracting, so I’m not certain I could choose her from a lineup. Is it customary for Night Elves to be only partially clothed? Where do they gather?

I haven’t seen this much flesh since the annual naked Gnome race runs through Dun Morogh. Then again, they’re wee, so there isn’t as much nudity on them, is there? Are there any similar contests that elves participate in? Where? (so much flesh)

Please consider doing something about the naked situation. Perhaps posting detailed likenesses of the offenders would help.

Thank you for your attention on this matter.

Yours respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Where do you get your hair cut?

Dun Morogh, Level 26

Dear Mr. Ironkeg,

I was saddened to learn you've declined my application to participate in this year’s Brewfest. (re: “Pebblebottom’s curiously tasty Hair of the Hare”) Your festival has created major buzz. In fact, it’s hard to travel anywhere near Ironforge without someone practically begging to try their super brew! (it echoes a bit) Compliments, Ipfel! I am genuinely happy for you and will allow you to finish your festival. But I must insist that “Hair of the Hare” is one of the finest ales of all time.

My independent research has shown that people really respond to my marketing campaign! ("Put's hair where you want it!") Many times, after the first sip, they’ll make the kind of face reserved for superior brews. (Somewhat scrunched, and a slight head shake) In these last days of the festival, I’ve decided to bring my drink to the people and have begun barking my own wares. Instead of galloping by, I stood in the middle of the Ironforge auction house, yelling for people to “try my super brew!” (Apparently, that’s frowned upon, as I was asked by several citizens to take it outside.)

As a service to your patrons, I suggest rotating your entertainment. It’s hard to miss the raucous clamor as I pass by, and I always hear those same three sots yelling awful wisecracks. (A goblin who can spell, we get it already!) The music is a wee repetitive as well. I suspect the Dark Irons may just be trying to stop the music. (The music!)

Perhaps you would like to book “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” for next year’s event. I would gladly offer a 16 minute performance, pending my accepted brew vendor application. (Let’s get some people cockeyed!)

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom, creator of Hair of the Hair
“It’s like kissing a rabbit!”

Menethil Harbor, Level 26

Dear Fremal Doohickey,

I love your village and the salty sea air. I was just speaking with the town drunk, Harlo Barnaby, and he asked me to do him a small favor. (I don’t mind speaking with the drunks once in a while. A little stinky, but fun!) Turns out he’s not the town drunk at all… the man took an axe to the back! I mean a real axe, right to the center of his back! Were you aware of this?! (This may explain why he hasn’t moved much lately.)

He motioned for me to come speak with him. (breath smelled “off”, but not drunk.) He’s been lying there for quite some time. I mean, I’ve been doing favors and running errands for various townsfolk for a few days now, and the whole time he’s just been sprawled out near the town gates. (Almost tripped over him four times, but didn’t. Once it was more of a wobble than a trip.)

As the town physician, I thought you might want to tend to his wound, or perhaps send someone to offer him some refreshing spring water or a flagon of mead. (not a drunk) A linen bandage might do the trick. (Can’t miss him! Slight odor, no alcohol on him though.)

I’m going to do a quick task for him, but thought someone should know that this man is not a drunk! (Possibly a mild narcotic dependency.)

I appreciate your attention to this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 25

Dear Kelstrum Stonebreaker,

Thanks again for teaching me how to execute. I was just executing some mottled dinosaurs earlier and it worked great. They didn’t know what hit ‘em! Also, that new demoralizing shout you showed me is exciting too! (roar! so fierce!)

When do you think you’ll teach me how to yodel? I’ve always enjoyed a good yodel and have wanted to learn how for some time. (People stop and stare at me when I try.) I think it would be beneficial to yodel warnings to other nearby adventurers, like “Theresawendigooverheeereeehoooo!” I could inform a flower picker, “Ijusttrippedoversomebruiseweedeeehoooo!” Or maybe when it get’s bad, “Whereisthebathroomeeehooo!?!” I’m sure you can think of some uses yourself and agree it would be a valuable skill. (Right up there with fishing!)

Just the other day, I saw a hunter using his axe on a few gnolls while his pet bear sat by and watched. I could’ve yodeled “Checkoutaspectoftheharedotneteeehoooo!” Instead I had to whisper, “I’ll tell the repair lady in Menethil you’ll be by shortly.” He didn’t respond, so obviously whispering to one another in the wild isn’t the way to go.

Looking forward to doing some yodeling with you. (yoohoo!)

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Wetlands, Level 24

Dear James Halloran,

I’m working on your task, and I have to ask… Where are all the giant crocolisks and how the heck did your apprentice get attacked?

I’ve been running around the north coastline for what seems like an hour, and I’ve only seen two! There’s also a warlock and a hunter running about, but I can’t believe they’ve killed every last one of them. Maybe your apprentice angered the crocs by poaching their young. I imagine a side business selling baby crocs as pets could be quite lucrative. I prefer a loyal, furry companion, but some people enjoy the danger of a pet that may someday rip your face off. (murlocs!)

I bet your apprentice had Westfall chicken meat in his pockets or something, because nothing I do attracts them. I’ve tried taunting them with a little dance and some mild name-calling, but the only things I’ve run into are fen creepers. (a lot!) They sneak up on you and attack from nowhere!

Do giant crocolisks like bunnies? I have one I could use to lure them out, but am not sure if it’s much of a meal, so they may not bother with it.

I’ll guess I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll bring bacon!

Patiently,
R. Pebblebottom

Deepwater Tavern, Level 22

Dear Inkeeper Helbrek,

Thanks for the flagon of mead. First Mate Fitzsimmons said it really hit the spot. (Have you tried “Hair of the Hare” yet?)

I will require lodging for the remainder of my stay in Wetlands and everyone says your tavern is the best! I travel with a bunny that follows me everywhere, no matter how dangerous or messy things get. (kobolds!) Do you offer special amenities for animal companions? I am not talking about tiny sleeping quarters (ha ha)—an extra pillow will do fine—but a platter of seasonal vegetables delivered by room service would be great. And of course, a separate wake up call will be required.

What is your tavern’s entertainment policy? As you may have guessed, my companion is “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny”, and during our stay, we would be delighted to entertain your clientele with a free show in your lounge. (Tips from affluent customers always appreciated.)

This performance is quite a sensation! For twenty-three adorable minutes, Plops will twitch his nose and scratch behind his ear. Cute! He will perform long and short hops, as he remains close beside me. (Some nibbling.) I assure you the act contains nothing inappropriate, no matter what you may have seen from other recent rabbit acts. The entire performance is wholesome, family entertainment. (Some brief nudity and mild language.) On occasion, when visiting the Ironforge mailbox, there has been minor pushing and slight shoving by people wanting to get a look at Plops. I advise additional wait staff just in case.

Please contact me to discuss lighting needs and stage requirements for “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny”. I look forward to my stay in Menethil Harbor. Great fishing!

Cordially,
R. Pebblebottom
(and Plops)

Menethil, Harbor, Level 22

Dear First Mate Fitzsimmons,

How are you? I am fine. When we first met, you asked if I was willing to endure tales that would shiver my timbers and sog my skivvies. I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think I am. I was concerned at first that your stories may rust my chausses, but after the run-ins I’ve had with the Wetlands wildlife (dinosaurs!) I think I can handle it.

I’ve had my rafters quiver a bit only once, but I’m not sure what timber shivering is like. I could definitely give it a go. I do request that if you notice me soaking my shorts that you abandon your anecdote. I’d like to stop at wetting my underthings and not go any further. I’d prefer not to drench my drawers, but I’m willing to go that far. We don’t need any major soiling. Let’s not create another incident.

Are there nice bathrooms here in the Wetlands? I haven’t seen one in some time. I can always take a quick flight to Ironforge to use the forge, but I’d still like to be able to hang my britches to dry while I enjoy a good Jumble.

Anxiously awaiting your tales,
R. Pebblebottom

Wetlands, Level 22

Dear Pilot Stonegear,

I just got back from Thelgen Rock. You could’ve mentioned the spiders! (a lot) I mean, whoever told you that there was ore in that cave wouldn’t have missed them. (they’re big) I went running in and could barely slay one before the next one skittered up. My bunny was terrified. (Scratching behind his ear more than usual) Do you know where I can find a carrot or maybe some leafy greens? I haven’t found a vegetable vendor, and it’s been a while since he’s eaten.

Luckily, I needed those beasts’ fangs for an armor kit I’m working on. But I got your ore and will deliver it the next time I’m in Dun Morogh. I hope the reward is worth all the venomous bites I took. Something fit for a warrior. (Not cloth gloves with spell power or anything.) Something great!

It was nice seeing you again. How are those wendigo rugs working out for you? I miss Kharanos and enjoyed my time there. Are there still lots of bunnies? Mine may like seeing his old friends after this harrowing experience.

See you soon,
R. Pebblebottom

Lakeshire, Level 21

Dear Yorud Barleybrew,

Dubble you tea heff was in that drink you gave me? It’s been a whijle ad I’m still spinning form it. Whn I went to fight those overgrown kobolds or whatever the hwck they were, I nearly got my pebblebottom handed to me! I was swinging with both swords and tey kept calling over theor buddies to help out. I had to run like a littile gnome half the way back to th einn to regroup.i could barelyt walk uprighte let alone swing a coupla blades. I busted out smite’S Mighty hammer and took care of em, but sheesh what a hairyt mess! how can I get more fo that drink? I think my sisater would enjoy some. HEr name is Honeyrump sdn she mostly hangs out in dun Morogh but I bet she could use a stoff drink one in a while. She’s a lovely girl, but mailboix dancing can ber tiring. Have you ever seen yorself from behind? I swear I was watching myself struggle with those giant hog people or whatever they were. It’as like I was just looking at them open up a keg of whopass on me! Do you know where the bathroom s? I know Stormwind doesn’t have any, so I’m not fying al the way there. Do the lakeshire guards frown on usin g the lake? This brew is making me feel a little quezay to. I’m fine It’ll pass I’m sure. Im fine.Thanks you for the gauntlet run arrand thing. . Kind of a good time but very queasy still. WHEere did I leave muy hearthstone?.

R. Pebb;ebotom

Ironforge, Level 20

Dear Mr. Cliffbeard,

How’s business? I never received my novelty hunk of meat, so I’m assuming you’ve decided not to go with my previous proposal. I see now, it was a bad idea. Turns out, I can only manage a partial semi handstand and a quarter cartwheel.

I need to rebuild my fortune, so I’ve decided to sell wares of my own. I will pace tirelessly around the Ironforge Military Ward and sell seats. I will be the Seat Vendor. (I sell some meat as well, but primarily seats.) I look forward to being your “neighbor” and being Seat Vendor. I will feature the popular “Mutton Prop” (a sheep-shaped stool) and you’ve no doubt seen people sitting on my “Wild Hog Plank”. (wood board that smells of bacon) I have an idea for a “Roasted Pail”, but am stuck on making it comfortable. “Comfort is king at the Seat Vendor!”

If you ever get tired of walking all day, stop by and I’ll let you demo one of my seats. There’s nothing like resting your tush after a hard day. “We treat your rump like royalty!” Just give me a little wave when you want to take a quick sit.

I look forward to joining the Military Ward Merchants Association!
R. Pebblebottom, Seat Vendor

P.S. Do you carry Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers? I hear they’re great!

Farstrider Lodge, Level 20

Dear Marek Ironheart,

Best. Task. Ever. I’m sorry I didn’t visit your lodge earlier. You mentioned you didn’t do much trade in croc skins and meat, but lemme tell you, there’s an island just west of here that’s crawling with ‘em!

I could barely keep up with them all, they kept coming out of nowhere! I was pretty enraged the whole time, so I was rending a lot. (plenty of blood) Not only did I get your skins, but also more meat than you asked for, so I could try the recipe you gave me. The steaks are a little gamey so I tried deep frying one.

I’d like to offer my new Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers™ to patrons of your lodge. (No chicken or steak) They’ve been selling fairly well near the Thelsamar mailbox. Once you get past the chew, they're delicious. I offer three dipping sauces—honey malt mustard, Rhapsody Malt vinegar, and teriyaki. Can you recommend a dipping sauce for our new Heart Healthy Baked Croc Nuggets™?

Please let me know when I can come by with my good goods. People love ‘em! Free pants with every purchase!

Regards,
R. Pebblebottom

Farstrider Lodge, Level 19

Dear Daryl the Youngling,

Thanks for the great shirt! When you challenged me to kill boars, you said, “This is no Coldridge Valley boar hunt.” You were sure right about that! There was a lot more ore for me to mine while hunting. I returned with four tin ore, ten copper ore, a course stone and ten rough stones, and I still had five minutes to spare. I love the shirt. How should I treat the armpit stains?

I sense a little tension between you and Vyrin? I bet you two were pretty hot and heavy at one time. Are you a player? The ladies dig scars, and you have a beaut. (I have one on my left buttock from sitting on a rock too quickly.)

You were right about the bear head I brought you. It was a little unsanitary. I got blood inside one of my favorite brownish bags. I gave the head to Vyrin, so I’m sure she’ll dispose of it properly. I doubt she’ll stuff it and hang it up in the lodge or anything.

Thanks again for the shirt (funny smell) and the tip on the hunting and mining spot.

Regards,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Ol' Sooty went down like a sack of bananas.

Ironforge, Level 19

Dear Sognar Cliffbeard,

People stop me and ask for your meat. “I’d like a few wild hog shanks, please.” (I deal mostly in pants.) I offer them some sensible trousers, but they just apologize and say, “I thought you were the meat guy. I need some meat!” It happens more and more. Do you have any Pebblebottom in you? I have an Aunt Rockstubble who’s always cooking large haunches of meat. You might know her.

I’d like to sell meat with you! I could walk around the Military Ward, mirroring your every move. When you walk in circles, so will I. If you give a little jump, I will do the same. I will also perform some half cartwheels, semi handstands, and give ‘em the old soggy elbow. You look familiar. Do you know my second cousin Ridgewhisker?

I will require a hunk of meat to hold. For looks only, I will not sell it. (I may nibble at it on breaks.) I could really use some gold, so let’s help each other out. I lost most of my fortune in the recent Auction House crash. I invested in apples, but now I know meat is the way to go. Beef, pork, mutton, wendigo...it’s all good! My father’s mother was named, Ledgegoatee. Any relation?

I hear you have the best meat in Ironforge. “I want a good chop!” they all say. I look forward to working with you and await my novelty hunk of meat. Let’s make back my fortune!

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Any chance you know my great uncle, Precipice Vandyke? He sold sliced deli meats. Do you have pastrami?

Ironforge, Level 19

Dear Innkeeper Firebrew,

I’ll be checking in to the Stonefire Tavern with a ridiculous haircut. I’ve always been told your establishment is the finest and caters to those with special needs. (e.g. haircuts)

Please inform the bell staff to do their best to smile politely when they ask to take my bags to my room. (I’m ugly!) I have five bags of varying sizes. Some smaller than the big ones.

Security should be alerted of my appearance and be sure to treat me as a dwarf, not a gnome! I will not be turned away because of this cockamamie hairstyle. It might help if they quietly advised other patrons to look away. (I’m hideous!) A distraction may also be needed as I quietly tippy-toe by.

This is more than a bad hair day. I may look rather disheveled, but have the coin to pay for my room and any refreshments I require. Do you have Hair of the Hare?

I will be traveling with my bunny. My companion’s hair is fine, but not mine. I look forward to unwinding at your inn. Do you have whirlpool baths?

Regards,
P. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 19

Dear Ms. Brassbrush,

What the forge have you done! I came in for a beard trim—some ear hair removal—and you slaughtered me! (A brunette! Do I look like a gnome to you?) I used to be the envy of many passers by. They’d point and say, “That’s some hair!” This new hairstyle is unacceptable. How do you make a living!?

You really botched this job! My usual tidy appearance is now disheveled and common. (Thank you for taking care of the ear hairs. No more rustling!) Now, passers by just pass by. No attention whatsoever. The ladies at the auction house don’t even turn to look at me and then take a few steps back to take it all in. Now they just stare straight-ahead, avoiding eye contact.

I’ve been butchered! I’m going to have to visit a butcher to see if he can fix this mess. I like the new scrunchie, but the rest has to go!

Please consider spending my fifteen silver on a copy of Celebrity Dwarf Hair Today. I want the Magni!

R. Pebblebottom

Westfall, Level 18

Dear Edwin VanCleef,

I thought I helped kill you, but someone told me they saw you later on, so maybe you’re not dead. In learning more about your background, I have to say I sympathize with you. One time, I helped out a foreman by clearing out some troggs from his mine. I must’ve killed six or seven and He didn’t even thank me. He just wanted even more killed! (so messy) That was just a few troggs; I would guess building a whole city without reward would really get to someone.

Speaking of Stormwind, I think I know why you didn’t get paid. There isn’t a single toilet in the entire city! (Little Gil has needed to pee for close to a week now, as far as I can tell.) Next time you build a city, you should really consider adding them. People love ‘em! I asked a few travelers and they all said, “I’d love to go to the bathroom right now!” There must be sixteen tailor shops, but not a single restroom.

If you want to come back and install a toilet or two, I’m sure I could put in a good word. They have a harbor now, so you could swing by and dock your boat. Great fishing!

Hope this letter finds you well,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Sorry if I did kill you. The mage I was with was pretty insistent.

Stormwind, Level 14

Dear Mr. Alexston,

I have long admired your city since I arrived here yesterday. I love the many bridges and the convenient prison complex in the center of town. Very handy!

During a long day of drinking, a fellow bar patron suggested I write you with my question. Where are the bathrooms? A city this size should certainly have a lavatory or two. Maybe one with a place to hang your axe? I like reading materials. Will you have those? (gentleman’s magazines, graphic novels, Jumble, etc.)

I considered that perhaps the canals were intended for this purpose, but I’ve heard there are crocolisks in them and don’t want to risk an attack. Also, a young boy has needed to pee for what seems like days now. If only for the children, please provide adequate facilities.

In Ironforge, I’ve seen others relieve themselves in the Great Forge. (“Use the forge!”) Very sanitary, but you have to be careful. The forge you have here is not suitable. Stormwind needs bathrooms!

I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

Stormwind, Level 14

Dear Reese Langston,

I was recently in Stormwind, delivering an order to Furen Longbeard. I was told the Pig & Whistle is the place to drink in Old Town and have an interest in fine brews. You may remember me from a scuffle I got into with a regular there. That drunk didn’t know what hit ‘em! (my axe)

While in your establishment, a young lady approached me and immediately began dancing. I’m not sure what kind of tavern you’re running, but this young lady just kept dancing and dancing. She was really getting her groove on. I didn’t move, just watched. There was no touching! I would have joined her, but was worn out from dancing atop the Trade District mailbox for 23 hours. (declined several tips)

I drank mug after mug of your brew just watching her dance and spent much of my small fortune. (I sell pants.) I find myself thinking of that barmaid often.

This is the type of tavern Azeroth needs! Please let me know if you plan on opening other similar establishments closer to Ironforge.

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Have you considered serving chicken wings?

Thelsamar, Level 13

Dear Stewiess,

Thank you for purchasing my Recruit’s Pants. The 95 silver will go a long way in training expenses. (Gotta dance!) I hope you receive as much enjoyment out of them as I did.

I apologize for the slight rip in the left knee and the extensive boar-blood stains. There were times in Coldridge Valley it seemed I was knee-deep in boars. There may also be some slight wear in the seat, as I tend to sit while eating. Sometimes I’d like to just take a quick bite to get my energy up, but I always end up sitting, sometimes in wet snow. (Never yellow!)

Did you find a rabbit’s foot in one of the pockets? One auctioneer seemed a little shifty and may have taken it.

You may be interested in a reasonably priced shirt and some boots I’m selling as well. Some wear and blood.

With gratitude,
R. Pebblebottom

Kharanos, Level 10

Dear Innkeeper Belm,

I was recently doing some market research in your inn—wink—and noticed you are serving “bunny on a sword”. Why? I have always enjoyed your freshly baked and tough hunks of bread, but don’t see the need for whole bunnies impaled on swords. After traveling throughout Dun Morogh, protecting these noble creatures from vicious snow leopards, who wants to eat one? The fur!

How about Wolf on an Axe? I had Boar on a Dagger once, but got very ill. (May not have been the boar. I was eating Bear on a Staff as well.) Do you have anything for upset stomachs?

I no longer wish to make your inn my home, but will return for your wonderful brews from time to time. Have you tried the Hair of the Hare yet? It’s true what they say.

Thank you for looking into this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Do you have Wendigo on a Mace?

Brewnall Village, Level 8

Dear Marleth Barleybrew,

Love your mugs! You recently asked me to covertly swap some barrels of beer in order to teach the Thunderbrews that theirs isn’t the only decent brew.

How will you know if the patrons like it better? Do you need me to do some further market research? For a few gold, I will gather demographic data and suggest a niche for your products. (bitters, ales, mash, boar tusks, and mugs) I would ask everyone, “Do you like the beer that’s not the beer you ordered?” and wink slyly. If they wink back, I would know they liked it.

My idea for a new brew is called Hair of the Hare. I know what your thinking, and it is not made of rabbit fur, just silverleaf and yellow snow. Some ruined leather scraps. Delicious! (I have a lead on some yellow snow.) I may try your marketing method myself, although I don’t enjoy deceiving fellow dwarves. I have stolen from trolls. Maybe I’ll swap troll barrels and see how they like Hair of the Hare.

Thank you for considering my offer. I await your reply.

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom, creator of Hair of the Hair
“It’s like kissing a rabbit!”

Anvilmar, Level 4

Dear Thran Khorman,

Thank you for teaching me to rend. It comes in very handy when battling crag boars. Boy do they bleed now. I think before I was just ripping them slightly, but the rending is really working.

When will you teach me to dance? I don’t care much for how I currently dance, it’s somewhat obnoxious and I find it hard to find a suitable partner. I danced with a Coldridge Mountaineer for 42 minutes, taking only minor breaks to grease my knees, and she didn’t even flinch. I thought I saw a slight nod, but can’t be sure. I need you to show me a proper boogie. I am convinced she would have swooned and asked me to hearth with her.

I observed a gnome fellow that could really cut a rug. Now that was dancing! No bruised shins or flying shoes. (The swelling on her forehead is going down a bit.)

Let’s make this happen! I want to get down!!!

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Dear Azeroth,

I love your Azeroth. (Murlocs!)

I’m hooked on rabbits and everything hare-related. I told my brother-in-law the other day how impressed I was with your use of bunnies.

I’m writing to inform you that I will be in Azeroth for quite some time. (Could be longer.) My sister, Melanie Honeyrump, has lived in Dun Morogh for ages and she speaks often of the wonderful tough hunks of bread. The spring water sounds refreshing!

If you see me, please wave. I will be wearing a tan button-down shirt with no collar or pockets. If I do not wave back, I might have an axe in my hand. (or bunny!) My ears slice easily, so I’ve learned to nod very modestly in acknowledgement. It is a slight nod and almost imperceptible. You may miss it.

With respect,
R. Pebblebottom