Letters to Azeroth

Feathermoon Stronghold, Level 42

2010-09-02T08:43:00.002-07:00

Dear Quintis Jonespyre,

I was recently in the Feralas area gathering some kocktail ingredients for a friend, when I spotted a ferry traveling to your charming island. I’m a sucker for a good boat ride! I did my traditional mid-deck dance and yodeled with the crew a bit, but they weren’t very talkative. (Slight nods, some bouncing.) They certainly take the long way around, don’t they?

That psychic trick you did was pretty neat. It really helped me out with a favor I was doing. I know it put a wobble in your step, but do you think you could do readings of a few more items? (23 at most, may need two readings on some.)

I have a pair of pants I’m curious about. (moderate craftsmanship, brownish, no pockets) I got them off a yeti I was skinning, and have had ‘em in my bag for a while. They’re pretty ripe, but what can I say, I’m pants fan, so I take what I can find. My pants collection is coming along nicely and I hope the Ironforge Arts Council will host my exhibit in the near future. (Watch for Pebblebottom’s Breathtaking Insect-Free Trouser Showcase later this year. “There’s no ants in my pants!”)

Do you think you could make the time to analyze them for me? I’m pretty sure they have a good story. I mean, what does a yeti need with pants anyway? Did his mother lovingly knit them for him? Or do you think they were hand-me-downs from his big yeti brother? I can’t wait to find out!

Looking forward to my next visit.
R. Pebblebottom

Hinterlands, Level 41

2010-06-22T14:11:00.003-07:00

Dear Rhapsody Shindigger,

Gryphon Master Talonaxe and I are a little concerned about your recent drinking. Of course, he lives in an oversized gryphon nest, so I’m a little concerned about him too. When I came to visit, you were pretty tanked, yet you asked me fetch you another round! Maybe you always kind of sway around and burp a lot. I could scare those hiccups out of you if you want. (may involve jumping out of the bushes in a yeti cape) Have you tried holding your breath? How about the old thumbs in the nose bit? (do not attempt to smell. dangerous!)

One time I got so cockeyed drunk that I misplaced my hearthstone. I remember bits and pieces, light hiccupping, no nose-thumbs, semi haircut.

Even though I think you’ve had enough, I just got my ram pimped and want to see how she handles on the curves. Plus, I’m really curious about what happened to you in that swamp! Sure hope I don’t sog my skivvies when you tell me. I have a feeling it’s gonna be good!

I see you don’t have a shower or bath at your camp. (I found you by sense of smell.) You may want to consider relocating to the Aerie Peak area. They have a nice little public well. I’m assuming it’s water, but might also be a clever ale distribution point. (both would be great for washing up!) Also, I noticed either a massive telescope or the biggest cannon I’ve ever seen! I think they’re really trying hard to bring in tourist dollars. I’ve enclosed a nice snapshot courtesy of the Aerie Peak Convention and Visitors Bureau.

“Aerie Peak. Look for the big bird!”

Maybe Talonaxe will even let you crash in his massive nest for a few days. I’ll be back in a few with your drink.

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. I love your malt! Have you tried Hair of the Hare yet?

Ironforge, Level 40

2010-06-01T14:06:00.005-07:00

Dear Mr. Sternhammer,

How are you? I am fine. Thanks so much for teaching me to wear plate armor! I’ve been taking a lot of hits lately and could really use something a little sturdier than mail. I was recently struck with 108 lightning bolts, and the mail did little to protect me. For four days, I thought I was a night elf hunter named Timothy. Have you seen this happen before? Will the plate help with that? Have you met Timothy? (nice guy, little to no facial hair)

I spent some time in the auction house buying myself some new pieces of armor. It arrived in the mail very quickly (no extra shipping charges!) and I’m pretty happy with how it looks. (a few rusty areas. mostly chest, pits, groin) The new gear is heavier than it sounds, so it looks like I’ll need to get in shape. Ironforge could use a gymnasium. People love lifting things and working up a good sweat!

When buying my new outfit, I’m not sure, but I think that gnome auctioneer was marking up prices. (no yeti cape or yowling this time, so must have been something else she didn’t like) I think the redheaded lass was making eyes at me, occasional blinking and subtle nods, so I decided to take my business over to her instead. I laid on the charm hoping to get a few good deals. (frequent hand raising and sporadic cheers) She’s a sturdy gal with just a peek of midriff. Yee! I tried influencing her with some Hair of the Hare and a romantic walk around The Commons, but apparently she was working a double shift. (might have been washing hair as well, not sure)

Do the ladies dig plate, or should I get some “around town” gear as well? I could keep them in the locker room at the gymnasium. Please keep me in mind when they open one up. I am very conscientious about wiping up afterwards.

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 38

2010-05-20T16:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Darla Harris,

I believe I recently left some items on one of your gryphons. It was a bundle of eight liferoots. I’m sure you get people trying to rummage through your “lost and found” all the time, but I really need those roots! I’ve been lugging them around for quite a while ever since I bought them off the auction house. I can’t pick flowers or herbs myself so this would really help me out. (harder than it looks! I’ve tried picking, but just can’t seem to get the hang of it.)

The gryphon I rode in on was grayish brown and had a bad cough and odd smell. I could probably pick him out of a gryphon lineup if you want to arrange that. I may have to sit on each one and really take a good whiff. (wet feather odor mostly, somewhat minty)

I didn’t get a good look at the rider after me. Do you keep records of all passengers? Has anyone ever made off with one of your gryphons before? I imagine a couple of gryphon treats mid-flight and a person could persuade one to fly the coop. (so to speak)

What do gryphons like to eat? I’m working on a new fish finger recipe that they might like. (mostly surplus crocolisk, some clam meat) They’re called Flying Fish Fingers and are the perfect in-flight treat. “There’s nothing fishy about these fingers!” I’m working on a mango salsa as well. Have you ever considered adding tray tables and cup holders to your mounts? People love ‘em. They’re great!

Please let me know if you see those roots. (tiny bundle) I’m not trying to pull a fast one! I need them in order to beat up a cyclone guy for a new axe. (long story) Please let me know if you find my items. In the meantime, I’ll be heading back to Ironforge to buy more liferoot. Do you give refunds without a receipt?

I anxiously look forward to your response.

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. I noticed your “no pets on board” policy and was wondering if there was a waiver I could obtain. I think my rabbit would really enjoy feeling the wind on his ears. Let’s get this bunny off the ground!

Stranglethorn Vale, Level 38

2010-05-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Private Thorsen,

You’re welcome for saving you. To be honest, I really was just hoping to skin the panther you were fighting once you were done with it. You were taking a while and seemed to be struggling a bit, so I thought I’d help you out. Then, as I was skinning the beast, you started roughhousing with those two fellas. You three were making so much noise, I had to help you out again. (mid to major racket. slight grunting, small yelps, possibly whimpering.)

I would have kept adventuring with you and your Lieutenant, but I’m a little busy collecting tusks for a witch doctor. I think he’s a witch doctor. Could be a witch dentist. Ha!

He wants a load and a half of them, but I’ve noticed that some of these trolls don’t have very good dental hygiene. (Only floss the ones you wanna keep!) Do you think it matters if they’re nice-looking tusks or not? I don’t want to take any chances when a shiny new axe is on the line!

You may want to head to Stormwind and hit the target dummies to work on your technique. I noticed you pretty much had only one move, and it wasn’t a very good move. (tiny hip movements, jerky arm waving with very little shimmying. your constant shrieking wasn’t helping) I have a trainer that’s been teaching me some exciting techniques that he may be willing to share. (some grunting, but little to no yelping.) You’ll be fending of off the small wildlife in no time!

Good luck with your whole traitor thing!

R. Pebblebottom

Stormwind, Level 38

2010-05-13T17:18:00.002-07:00

Dear Angus Stern,

Thank you for the many, many thanks! I was happy to help you out, and it sounds like you’ll be able to pull off your banquet after all. Chilled Basilisk in Lime Vinaigrette sounds pretty fancy. I’ve been eating a lot of soft banana bread lately, and I’m looking for something new to nosh on. (the bread sits in my bag and is only moderately soft by the time I eat it. partially firm.)

You seem to know what you’re doing, and I’d love to trade recipes with you. I have one that your noble might appreciate—a low-calorie honey mustard dipping sauce used for croc fingers. Will you be serving fingers of any sort at the party? (croc, chicken, ogre, etc.) I always say, “it’s not a party until you bring out the fingers!”

If you don’t mind my asking, who is the noble? I’d like to personally wish him or her a happy birthday. (Maybe speak with them about the bathroom situation here in Stormwind.) I could bring a dish or two and join in the fun. I assume there will be the usual prancing, and I know a party game or two. (I assure you, the Brewfest incident is almost always exaggerated.) Of course, I would have Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny accompany me. He could entertain the royalty with small hops and tasteful scratching. (some nibbling. delightful!)

Will the celebration be at The Blue Recluse? Kind of odd to name the place after a depressed loner and then throw a stylish reception there. Unless you mean the recluse himself is the color blue. Then you’d have the entertainment covered, and probably don’t need Plops to come after all. I’d like to meet the recluse as well! (may just be holding breath for long stretches. Is that part of the act?)

I’m a little surprised your tavern didn’t book Plops on his last tour. We hit up all the usual lounges and really wowed them! (negligible nudity) Perhaps you’d like to book in advance for the upcoming summer tour, “The Plop It Like It’s Hot Eastern Kingdoms Tour”. (Let’s get ploppin’!) Please contact me to request a demo reel.

Bon Appétit!
R. Pebblebottom

Refuge Point, Level 37

2010-05-04T16:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Skuerto,

Seems like there’s a real ogre problem in these parts. (pretty fragrant) Have you considered developing some sort of ogre trap? They seem a little dopey, and I bet they’d fall for the old wild-hog-shank-under-a-box trick. Or you could probably fool them with an ogre costume. I know a tailor that might be able to make you one. I have a backwards yeti costume that works just great! (some yowling involved)

I just wrapped up all the ogre chores you asked me to do. I got the wand, snagged a gem, and then got it enchanted. I headed to the tower to get your loot, and when I used the pedestal to call for defenses, a ton of ogres came out of the woodwork! (pretty big ones, so may have actually been a ton of them. didn’t ask their weight, just a guesstimate.)

I was using every maneuver I had just to stay on my feet. The little water fellows that also appeared didn’t even distract them, just watched as I frantically swung my new axe about. (may have been protecting Plops. not sure.) Many, many ogres. So many ogres.

Seemed like after every item I collected for you, there were more ogres! (They came from… behind!) Seriously, look into a trap of some sort.

I was so beaten up when I reached the top of the tower, I was out of healing potions and had to bandage up. Do you have any idea where the cloth for those bandages came from?! Ogre loins!! I’ll probably get an infection from applying ogre sweat to my wounds. (cuts and scrapes, bruising, and other slight boo-boos, some minor armor scratches. no rashes yet.)

I must admit, the silk loincloths they wear are a novel idea. I may have to consider including them in my summer collection. “Why let ogres have all the fun!”

Anyhow, thanks for the adventure. I’ll let you know when the swelling goes down.

R. Pebblebottom

Go’Shek Farm, Level 35

2010-03-24T11:52:00.004-07:00

Dear Kinelory,

I think we made a pretty good pair when taking down that chemist fellow. He sure wasn’t expecting the two of us to come knocking, was he? He was probably whipping up a batch of mai tais when we popped in and hit the cocktail shaker from his hands. (Have you tried Hair of the Hare yet?)

Thank you for healing me as I bashed up those orcish fellows. And I especially liked how you turned into a great big bear on occasion. (So furry!) Do you know any other tricks like that? Where did your clothes go? Once, I thought I saw a bear wearing a kilt in a tavern. (Possibly a plump cat or gnome.)

I noticed that there was a bathroom down on that farm. (Not many around) Do you think you could cover me while I use it? I wouldn’t normally ask a feminine elf like yourself, but I felt we shared a special bond. Mostly when you asked me to watch your rear while you rummaged through that drug dealer’s bottles. (I watched pretty closely. Some staring, but mostly glancing.)

I wasn’t expecting you to ask me to race you back to your post. (still gawking somewhat. nice pants.) I almost lost track of you when those three orcs jumped me, but I handled it okay.

You’re a little playful, and very nimble on your feet. I bet you’re good at skipping and leaping as well. Have you heard about the upcoming Prance Around? There will be food, swimming and bunnies. No eating of or swimming with bunnies permitted. (some romping and mild frolicking) I hope to see you there. Maybe I can buy you an ale.

Fondly,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 34

2010-03-16T11:31:00.002-07:00

Dear Marshal Redpath,

You recently asked me to conk some ogres and seemed pretty bent on me taking their knucklebones. I have to admit, I kind of blew it at first. I beat up those big guys pretty good, and then took their fingers. I thought maybe you had a thing for knuckles. I had an uncle who was into little toes. (Not the big ones! Ew.) Or maybe you collected unique and hard-to-find knuckles and had a little display case at home. (No Mrs. Redpath in this scenario of course.)

When I was rummaging through one of their loincloths (robust odor) looking for spare change, I noticed that they actually carry knucklebones! My bad, good sir. What a knucklehead! It appears the funky brutes use them as some sort of dice to play games amongst themselves. But evidently the ones I gathered were dirty!

I was happy to help you take those crooked knucklebones off the streets. Although those pungent ogres seemed pretty simple-minded, I understand now that they’re cleverly running some sort of recreational item black market. What’s next? Unclean checkers? Smudged dominoes!? (I do enjoy a good game of Filthy Boggle.)

If you’re interested in a bag of bruised ogre knuckles, I know where you can get them. Perhaps you could make a delicious knuckle sandwich. (mustard, Alterac swiss, tough hunk of bread, yum!)

Until next time,
R. Pebblebottom

Southshore, Level 33

2010-03-08T17:22:00.001-07:00

Dear Bartolo Ginsetti,

Thank you for making me that cloak. I’ve worn many cloaks, capes and panchos in my day, and although I’ve only named two (Mr. Giddywinkle & Neil) I do not agree that this one is the finest. (Pretty nice though.)

The stitching is a little coarse and it clashes horribly with my pants. (snug in the back and itchy.) (cloak, not pants.) I suspect that this piece is actually from last season’s collection and you tried to pawn it off on me as new. (warrior cloaks are mid-short to half-long this season) Do I look like I have the fashion sense of a gnome? I had that haircut fixed!

The up side is that I do enjoy looking like a yeti from behind. I imagine giving the gals in the auction house a fright by walking in backwards, roaring at the top of my lungs. (Maybe a little yowling.)

Instead of standing around in Southshore, a man of your taste might do better in a bigger market. Half the shops in Stormwind are tailors, so you should travel there to keep in touch with today’s fashions. Do not actually touch the fashions though, they don’t like me doing that. (mildly dirty hands) You could open a boutique in the canal district called The Practical Cloak. And your tagline could be “It’s no joke!” I’ve done a fair share of market research (swapping barrels, steak fingers, etc) and that name will really hit home with the cloak bloke demographic. Imagine a faux fur product line called “Not Yeti”! Maybe with pants.

Don’t forget, in fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out. Now make it work!

Auf Wiedersehen,
R. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 33

2010-03-05T08:40:00.005-07:00

Dear Mr. Staghelm,

I’ve recently taken an interest in your people’s culture. So far, my adventures have been based out of Ironforge, but I’m told your tree-house city is wondrous. People tell me they like being in the branches. (Very few complain of slight motion sickness when the wind blows.)

I write with a proposition I’d like to run past you. I would take it up with Ms. Whisperwind, but I’ve heard you have vision that she lacks. (My vision is pretty good, but it’s been a while since a doctor checked me out. Ha ha.) I’m organizing an event to take place in your fair city of Darnassus, “Capital of the rarely-clothed Night Elves.”

I will present “Pebblebottom’s First Annual Semi-to-Very Nude Night Elf Prance Around”! Ever since I saw my first somewhat-clothed feminine night elf (pretty sure it was a woman, curvy and smooth) I’ve been thinking this needs to happen. A guy in the Ironforge auction house said naked night elves are pretty common, so why not have fun while you’re at it? (King Magni would never go for this, it must be Darnassus!)

The event features upwards of seven participants in various states of undress, frolicking in and around your city. (All participants will be night elves. One dwarf.) We will be swimming in your pools and using your mailboxes. We will require vendors to provide water and food as contestants frolic and leap, dance and run, well into the evening.

In addition “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” will perform, providing long and short hops for the revelers to mimic. (No nibbling!) There have been rumors of a large-scale game of “Spin the Empty Vial”, but that will not happen this time. (The Brewfest incident!) We’ll stick to the skipping and undressing, romping and disrobing.

I eagerly await and look forward to filling out the proper forms and paperwork required to make this event happen! Let’s get this prance around off the ground!

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom

Fray Island, Level 31

2010-02-17T11:49:00.002-07:00

Dear Klannoc Macleod,

I really enjoyed your little fight club. Don’t worry I won’t talk about it.

Thanks again for teaching me berserker stance. There are times when I just wanna go berserk, (dinosaurs!) and now I can feel confident that I’m doing it properly. I hope to come back to your island in order to learn bonkers stance too. That one sounds fun, and with less hair pulling.

Have you ever considered a ferry or gondola to your island? There’s a nice dock in Ratchet you could use. Maybe the gondolier could sing or even yodel. I discovered the sandbar between the shore and your island on my way back, but there were some nasty looking makruras I had to avoid on my swim out. (pretty big pincers) You could probably make a little extra coin from each trip and build yourself some nice brawling facilities.

That sixth guy I fought was kind of a pushover, don’t you think? Also, I felt a little guilty rummaging through Big Will’s pockets after I downed him, but he did have 2 silver and 6 copper on him. That’ll buy a few pairs of pants! When he gets up, just let him know it wasn’t anything personal, just business. He’s a professional, so I’m sure he’ll understand.

Looking forward to learning maniacal stance too!

With gratitude,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. What is Big Will’s gear score?

Barrens, Level 29

2010-01-26T10:38:00.002-07:00

Dear Wailing Caverns,

Really?

I mean, does every one of your paths and tunnels have to loop around, only to find myself where I just was?

I’ve been wandering your damp grottos for close to three months! (84 and one-half days) I went through my supply of Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers in the first week and could go for something more satisfying than the occasional mushroom. (quite-to-moderately hungry) Somewhere, there’s a large tankard of Hair of the Hare with my name on it.

Loved your Giant Murloc!

R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Sorry about the mess in the Pit of Fangs.

Ironforge, Level 28

2009-10-28T07:58:00.003-07:00

Dear King Magni,

I love your city! I especially enjoy using all of your mailboxes, but my favorite by far is just outside of the bank. I write quite a bit, so I’m always mailing, and that one has it all. I think Stormwind may have overdone it when they recently installed new boxes. You can’t swing an axe without hitting one. (still no bathrooms) Yesterday, while doing my mailing, I was taken aback by a feminine Night Elf in a rather severe state of undress. (semi-to-very nude!) I’m not used to seeing such lewd behavior in your fine city. (Great forge!)

What is your policy on public nudity? I like to shed my male mail after a hard day, but there’s a time and place. (a good whirlpool bath) And after a few brews, who doesn’t practice their dance moves wearing nothing but their shield and mace?

I’ve not had many dealings with Night Elves (a lot of flesh) but if that’s what they’re about, I’d just as well do my business exclusively with Dwarves. This young pixie pranced near naked throughout The Commons, and her naturally smooth skin was a bit distracting, so I’m not certain I could choose her from a lineup. Is it customary for Night Elves to be only partially clothed? Where do they gather?

I haven’t seen this much flesh since the annual naked Gnome race runs through Dun Morogh. Then again, they’re wee, so there isn’t as much nudity on them, is there? Are there any similar contests that elves participate in? Where? (so much flesh)

Please consider doing something about the naked situation. Perhaps posting detailed likenesses of the offenders would help.

Thank you for your attention on this matter.

Yours respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Where do you get your hair cut?

Dun Morogh, Level 26

2009-10-05T15:54:00.006-07:00

Dear Mr. Ironkeg,

I was saddened to learn you've declined my application to participate in this year’s Brewfest. (re: “Pebblebottom’s curiously tasty Hair of the Hare”) Your festival has created major buzz. In fact, it’s hard to travel anywhere near Ironforge without someone practically begging to try their super brew! (it echoes a bit) Compliments, Ipfel! I am genuinely happy for you and will allow you to finish your festival. But I must insist that “Hair of the Hare” is one of the finest ales of all time.

My independent research has shown that people really respond to my marketing campaign! ("Put's hair where you want it!") Many times, after the first sip, they’ll make the kind of face reserved for superior brews. (Somewhat scrunched, and a slight head shake) In these last days of the festival, I’ve decided to bring my drink to the people and have begun barking my own wares. Instead of galloping by, I stood in the middle of the Ironforge auction house, yelling for people to “try my super brew!” (Apparently, that’s frowned upon, as I was asked by several citizens to take it outside.)

As a service to your patrons, I suggest rotating your entertainment. It’s hard to miss the raucous clamor as I pass by, and I always hear those same three sots yelling awful wisecracks. (A goblin who can spell, we get it already!) The music is a wee repetitive as well. I suspect the Dark Irons may just be trying to stop the music. (The music!)

Perhaps you would like to book “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny” for next year’s event. I would gladly offer a 16 minute performance, pending my accepted brew vendor application. (Let’s get some people cockeyed!)

Respectfully,
R. Pebblebottom, creator of Hair of the Hair
“It’s like kissing a rabbit!”

Menethil Harbor, Level 26

2009-07-01T09:08:00.003-07:00

Dear Fremal Doohickey,

I love your village and the salty sea air. I was just speaking with the town drunk, Harlo Barnaby, and he asked me to do him a small favor. (I don’t mind speaking with the drunks once in a while. A little stinky, but fun!) Turns out he’s not the town drunk at all… the man took an axe to the back! I mean a real axe, right to the center of his back! Were you aware of this?! (This may explain why he hasn’t moved much lately.)

He motioned for me to come speak with him. (breath smelled “off”, but not drunk.) He’s been lying there for quite some time. I mean, I’ve been doing favors and running errands for various townsfolk for a few days now, and the whole time he’s just been sprawled out near the town gates. (Almost tripped over him four times, but didn’t. Once it was more of a wobble than a trip.)

As the town physician, I thought you might want to tend to his wound, or perhaps send someone to offer him some refreshing spring water or a flagon of mead. (not a drunk) A linen bandage might do the trick. (Can’t miss him! Slight odor, no alcohol on him though.)

I’m going to do a quick task for him, but thought someone should know that this man is not a drunk! (Possibly a mild narcotic dependency.)

I appreciate your attention to this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 25

2009-06-23T09:45:00.005-07:00

Dear Kelstrum Stonebreaker,

Thanks again for teaching me how to execute. I was just executing some mottled dinosaurs earlier and it worked great. They didn’t know what hit ‘em! Also, that new demoralizing shout you showed me is exciting too! (roar! so fierce!)

When do you think you’ll teach me how to yodel? I’ve always enjoyed a good yodel and have wanted to learn how for some time. (People stop and stare at me when I try.) I think it would be beneficial to yodel warnings to other nearby adventurers, like “Theresawendigooverheeereeehoooo!” I could inform a flower picker, “Ijusttrippedoversomebruiseweedeeehoooo!” Or maybe when it get’s bad, “Whereisthebathroomeeehooo!?!” I’m sure you can think of some uses yourself and agree it would be a valuable skill. (Right up there with fishing!)

Just the other day, I saw a hunter using his axe on a few gnolls while his pet bear sat by and watched. I could’ve yodeled “Checkoutaspectoftheharedotneteeehoooo!” Instead I had to whisper, “I’ll tell the repair lady in Menethil you’ll be by shortly.” He didn’t respond, so obviously whispering to one another in the wild isn’t the way to go.

Looking forward to doing some yodeling with you. (yoohoo!)

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Wetlands, Level 24

2009-06-02T16:08:00.003-07:00

Dear James Halloran,

I’m working on your task, and I have to ask… Where are all the giant crocolisks and how the heck did your apprentice get attacked?

I’ve been running around the north coastline for what seems like an hour, and I’ve only seen two! There’s also a warlock and a hunter running about, but I can’t believe they’ve killed every last one of them. Maybe your apprentice angered the crocs by poaching their young. I imagine a side business selling baby crocs as pets could be quite lucrative. I prefer a loyal, furry companion, but some people enjoy the danger of a pet that may someday rip your face off. (murlocs!)

I bet your apprentice had Westfall chicken meat in his pockets or something, because nothing I do attracts them. I’ve tried taunting them with a little dance and some mild name-calling, but the only things I’ve run into are fen creepers. (a lot!) They sneak up on you and attack from nowhere!

Do giant crocolisks like bunnies? I have one I could use to lure them out, but am not sure if it’s much of a meal, so they may not bother with it.

I’ll guess I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll bring bacon!

Patiently,
R. Pebblebottom

Deepwater Tavern, Level 22

2009-05-08T14:36:00.002-07:00

Dear Inkeeper Helbrek,

Thanks for the flagon of mead. First Mate Fitzsimmons said it really hit the spot. (Have you tried “Hair of the Hare” yet?)

I will require lodging for the remainder of my stay in Wetlands and everyone says your tavern is the best! I travel with a bunny that follows me everywhere, no matter how dangerous or messy things get. (kobolds!) Do you offer special amenities for animal companions? I am not talking about tiny sleeping quarters (ha ha)—an extra pillow will do fine—but a platter of seasonal vegetables delivered by room service would be great. And of course, a separate wake up call will be required.

What is your tavern’s entertainment policy? As you may have guessed, my companion is “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny”, and during our stay, we would be delighted to entertain your clientele with a free show in your lounge. (Tips from affluent customers always appreciated.)

This performance is quite a sensation! For twenty-three adorable minutes, Plops will twitch his nose and scratch behind his ear. Cute! He will perform long and short hops, as he remains close beside me. (Some nibbling.) I assure you the act contains nothing inappropriate, no matter what you may have seen from other recent rabbit acts. The entire performance is wholesome, family entertainment. (Some brief nudity and mild language.) On occasion, when visiting the Ironforge mailbox, there has been minor pushing and slight shoving by people wanting to get a look at Plops. I advise additional wait staff just in case.

Please contact me to discuss lighting needs and stage requirements for “Plops, Azeroth’s Slowest Bunny”. I look forward to my stay in Menethil Harbor. Great fishing!

Cordially,
R. Pebblebottom
(and Plops)

Menethil, Harbor, Level 22

2009-04-17T10:05:00.003-07:00

Dear First Mate Fitzsimmons,

How are you? I am fine. When we first met, you asked if I was willing to endure tales that would shiver my timbers and sog my skivvies. I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think I am. I was concerned at first that your stories may rust my chausses, but after the run-ins I’ve had with the Wetlands wildlife (dinosaurs!) I think I can handle it.

I’ve had my rafters quiver a bit only once, but I’m not sure what timber shivering is like. I could definitely give it a go. I do request that if you notice me soaking my shorts that you abandon your anecdote. I’d like to stop at wetting my underthings and not go any further. I’d prefer not to drench my drawers, but I’m willing to go that far. We don’t need any major soiling. Let’s not create another incident.

Are there nice bathrooms here in the Wetlands? I haven’t seen one in some time. I can always take a quick flight to Ironforge to use the forge, but I’d still like to be able to hang my britches to dry while I enjoy a good Jumble.

Anxiously awaiting your tales,
R. Pebblebottom

Wetlands, Level 22

2009-04-14T11:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Pilot Stonegear,

I just got back from Thelgen Rock. You could’ve mentioned the spiders! (a lot) I mean, whoever told you that there was ore in that cave wouldn’t have missed them. (they’re big) I went running in and could barely slay one before the next one skittered up. My bunny was terrified. (Scratching behind his ear more than usual) Do you know where I can find a carrot or maybe some leafy greens? I haven’t found a vegetable vendor, and it’s been a while since he’s eaten.

Luckily, I needed those beasts’ fangs for an armor kit I’m working on. But I got your ore and will deliver it the next time I’m in Dun Morogh. I hope the reward is worth all the venomous bites I took. Something fit for a warrior. (Not cloth gloves with spell power or anything.) Something great!

It was nice seeing you again. How are those wendigo rugs working out for you? I miss Kharanos and enjoyed my time there. Are there still lots of bunnies? Mine may like seeing his old friends after this harrowing experience.

See you soon,
R. Pebblebottom

Lakeshire, Level 21

2009-04-09T08:01:00.002-07:00

Dear Yorud Barleybrew,

Dubble you tea heff was in that drink you gave me? It’s been a whijle ad I’m still spinning form it. Whn I went to fight those overgrown kobolds or whatever the hwck they were, I nearly got my pebblebottom handed to me! I was swinging with both swords and tey kept calling over theor buddies to help out. I had to run like a littile gnome half the way back to th einn to regroup.i could barelyt walk uprighte let alone swing a coupla blades. I busted out smite’S Mighty hammer and took care of em, but sheesh what a hairyt mess! how can I get more fo that drink? I think my sisater would enjoy some. HEr name is Honeyrump sdn she mostly hangs out in dun Morogh but I bet she could use a stoff drink one in a while. She’s a lovely girl, but mailboix dancing can ber tiring. Have you ever seen yorself from behind? I swear I was watching myself struggle with those giant hog people or whatever they were. It’as like I was just looking at them open up a keg of whopass on me! Do you know where the bathroom s? I know Stormwind doesn’t have any, so I’m not fying al the way there. Do the lakeshire guards frown on usin g the lake? This brew is making me feel a little quezay to. I’m fine It’ll pass I’m sure. Im fine.Thanks you for the gauntlet run arrand thing. . Kind of a good time but very queasy still. WHEere did I leave muy hearthstone?.

R. Pebb;ebotom

Ironforge, Level 20

2009-04-07T12:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. Cliffbeard,

How’s business? I never received my novelty hunk of meat, so I’m assuming you’ve decided not to go with my previous proposal. I see now, it was a bad idea. Turns out, I can only manage a partial semi handstand and a quarter cartwheel.

I need to rebuild my fortune, so I’ve decided to sell wares of my own. I will pace tirelessly around the Ironforge Military Ward and sell seats. I will be the Seat Vendor. (I sell some meat as well, but primarily seats.) I look forward to being your “neighbor” and being Seat Vendor. I will feature the popular “Mutton Prop” (a sheep-shaped stool) and you’ve no doubt seen people sitting on my “Wild Hog Plank”. (wood board that smells of bacon) I have an idea for a “Roasted Pail”, but am stuck on making it comfortable. “Comfort is king at the Seat Vendor!”

If you ever get tired of walking all day, stop by and I’ll let you demo one of my seats. There’s nothing like resting your tush after a hard day. “We treat your rump like royalty!” Just give me a little wave when you want to take a quick sit.

I look forward to joining the Military Ward Merchants Association!
R. Pebblebottom, Seat Vendor

P.S. Do you carry Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers? I hear they’re great!

Farstrider Lodge, Level 20

2009-04-02T09:19:00.003-07:00

Dear Marek Ironheart,

Best. Task. Ever. I’m sorry I didn’t visit your lodge earlier. You mentioned you didn’t do much trade in croc skins and meat, but lemme tell you, there’s an island just west of here that’s crawling with ‘em!

I could barely keep up with them all, they kept coming out of nowhere! I was pretty enraged the whole time, so I was rending a lot. (plenty of blood) Not only did I get your skins, but also more meat than you asked for, so I could try the recipe you gave me. The steaks are a little gamey so I tried deep frying one.

I’d like to offer my new Chicken-Fried Croc Steak Fingers™ to patrons of your lodge. (No chicken or steak) They’ve been selling fairly well near the Thelsamar mailbox. Once you get past the chew, they're delicious. I offer three dipping sauces—honey malt mustard, Rhapsody Malt vinegar, and teriyaki. Can you recommend a dipping sauce for our new Heart Healthy Baked Croc Nuggets™?

Please let me know when I can come by with my good goods. People love ‘em! Free pants with every purchase!

Regards,
R. Pebblebottom

Farstrider Lodge, Level 19

2009-03-31T11:33:00.002-07:00

Dear Daryl the Youngling,

Thanks for the great shirt! When you challenged me to kill boars, you said, “This is no Coldridge Valley boar hunt.” You were sure right about that! There was a lot more ore for me to mine while hunting. I returned with four tin ore, ten copper ore, a course stone and ten rough stones, and I still had five minutes to spare. I love the shirt. How should I treat the armpit stains?

I sense a little tension between you and Vyrin? I bet you two were pretty hot and heavy at one time. Are you a player? The ladies dig scars, and you have a beaut. (I have one on my left buttock from sitting on a rock too quickly.)

You were right about the bear head I brought you. It was a little unsanitary. I got blood inside one of my favorite brownish bags. I gave the head to Vyrin, so I’m sure she’ll dispose of it properly. I doubt she’ll stuff it and hang it up in the lodge or anything.

Thanks again for the shirt (funny smell) and the tip on the hunting and mining spot.

Regards,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Ol' Sooty went down like a sack of bananas.

Ironforge, Level 19

2009-03-26T17:34:00.005-07:00

Dear Sognar Cliffbeard,

People stop me and ask for your meat. “I’d like a few wild hog shanks, please.” (I deal mostly in pants.) I offer them some sensible trousers, but they just apologize and say, “I thought you were the meat guy. I need some meat!” It happens more and more. Do you have any Pebblebottom in you? I have an Aunt Rockstubble who’s always cooking large haunches of meat. You might know her.

I’d like to sell meat with you! I could walk around the Military Ward, mirroring your every move. When you walk in circles, so will I. If you give a little jump, I will do the same. I will also perform some half cartwheels, semi handstands, and give ‘em the old soggy elbow. You look familiar. Do you know my second cousin Ridgewhisker?

I will require a hunk of meat to hold. For looks only, I will not sell it. (I may nibble at it on breaks.) I could really use some gold, so let’s help each other out. I lost most of my fortune in the recent Auction House crash. I invested in apples, but now I know meat is the way to go. Beef, pork, mutton, wendigo...it’s all good! My father’s mother was named, Ledgegoatee. Any relation?

I hear you have the best meat in Ironforge. “I want a good chop!” they all say. I look forward to working with you and await my novelty hunk of meat. Let’s make back my fortune!

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Any chance you know my great uncle, Precipice Vandyke? He sold sliced deli meats. Do you have pastrami?

Ironforge, Level 19

2009-03-24T10:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Innkeeper Firebrew,

I’ll be checking in to the Stonefire Tavern with a ridiculous haircut. I’ve always been told your establishment is the finest and caters to those with special needs. (e.g. haircuts)

Please inform the bell staff to do their best to smile politely when they ask to take my bags to my room. (I’m ugly!) I have five bags of varying sizes. Some smaller than the big ones.

Security should be alerted of my appearance and be sure to treat me as a dwarf, not a gnome! I will not be turned away because of this cockamamie hairstyle. It might help if they quietly advised other patrons to look away. (I’m hideous!) A distraction may also be needed as I quietly tippy-toe by.

This is more than a bad hair day. I may look rather disheveled, but have the coin to pay for my room and any refreshments I require. Do you have Hair of the Hare?

I will be traveling with my bunny. My companion’s hair is fine, but not mine. I look forward to unwinding at your inn. Do you have whirlpool baths?

Regards,
P. Pebblebottom

Ironforge, Level 19

2009-03-19T09:14:00.005-07:00

Dear Ms. Brassbrush,

What the forge have you done! I came in for a beard trim—some ear hair removal—and you slaughtered me! (A brunette! Do I look like a gnome to you?) I used to be the envy of many passers by. They’d point and say, “That’s some hair!” This new hairstyle is unacceptable. How do you make a living!?

You really botched this job! My usual tidy appearance is now disheveled and common. (Thank you for taking care of the ear hairs. No more rustling!) Now, passers by just pass by. No attention whatsoever. The ladies at the auction house don’t even turn to look at me and then take a few steps back to take it all in. Now they just stare straight-ahead, avoiding eye contact.

I’ve been butchered! I’m going to have to visit a butcher to see if he can fix this mess. I like the new scrunchie, but the rest has to go!

Please consider spending my fifteen silver on a copy of Celebrity Dwarf Hair Today. I want the Magni!

R. Pebblebottom

Westfall, Level 18

2009-03-17T08:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Edwin VanCleef,

I thought I helped kill you, but someone told me they saw you later on, so maybe you’re not dead. In learning more about your background, I have to say I sympathize with you. One time, I helped out a foreman by clearing out some troggs from his mine. I must’ve killed six or seven and He didn’t even thank me. He just wanted even more killed! (so messy) That was just a few troggs; I would guess building a whole city without reward would really get to someone.

Speaking of Stormwind, I think I know why you didn’t get paid. There isn’t a single toilet in the entire city! (Little Gil has needed to pee for close to a week now, as far as I can tell.) Next time you build a city, you should really consider adding them. People love ‘em! I asked a few travelers and they all said, “I’d love to go to the bathroom right now!” There must be sixteen tailor shops, but not a single restroom.

If you want to come back and install a toilet or two, I’m sure I could put in a good word. They have a harbor now, so you could swing by and dock your boat. Great fishing!

Hope this letter finds you well,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Sorry if I did kill you. The mage I was with was pretty insistent.

Stormwind, Level 14

2009-03-12T14:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. Alexston,

I have long admired your city since I arrived here yesterday. I love the many bridges and the convenient prison complex in the center of town. Very handy!

During a long day of drinking, a fellow bar patron suggested I write you with my question. Where are the bathrooms? A city this size should certainly have a lavatory or two. Maybe one with a place to hang your axe? I like reading materials. Will you have those? (gentleman’s magazines, graphic novels, Jumble, etc.)

I considered that perhaps the canals were intended for this purpose, but I’ve heard there are crocolisks in them and don’t want to risk an attack. Also, a young boy has needed to pee for what seems like days now. If only for the children, please provide adequate facilities.

In Ironforge, I’ve seen others relieve themselves in the Great Forge. (“Use the forge!”) Very sanitary, but you have to be careful. The forge you have here is not suitable. Stormwind needs bathrooms!

I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

Stormwind, Level 14

2009-03-10T11:55:00.004-07:00

Dear Reese Langston,

I was recently in Stormwind, delivering an order to Furen Longbeard. I was told the Pig & Whistle is the place to drink in Old Town and have an interest in fine brews. You may remember me from a scuffle I got into with a regular there. That drunk didn’t know what hit ‘em! (my axe)

While in your establishment, a young lady approached me and immediately began dancing. I’m not sure what kind of tavern you’re running, but this young lady just kept dancing and dancing. She was really getting her groove on. I didn’t move, just watched. There was no touching! I would have joined her, but was worn out from dancing atop the Trade District mailbox for 23 hours. (declined several tips)

I drank mug after mug of your brew just watching her dance and spent much of my small fortune. (I sell pants.) I find myself thinking of that barmaid often.

This is the type of tavern Azeroth needs! Please let me know if you plan on opening other similar establishments closer to Ironforge.

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Have you considered serving chicken wings?

Thelsamar, Level 13

2009-03-05T09:14:00.002-07:00

Dear Stewiess,

Thank you for purchasing my Recruit’s Pants. The 95 silver will go a long way in training expenses. (Gotta dance!) I hope you receive as much enjoyment out of them as I did.

I apologize for the slight rip in the left knee and the extensive boar-blood stains. There were times in Coldridge Valley it seemed I was knee-deep in boars. There may also be some slight wear in the seat, as I tend to sit while eating. Sometimes I’d like to just take a quick bite to get my energy up, but I always end up sitting, sometimes in wet snow. (Never yellow!)

Did you find a rabbit’s foot in one of the pockets? One auctioneer seemed a little shifty and may have taken it.

You may be interested in a reasonably priced shirt and some boots I’m selling as well. Some wear and blood.

With gratitude,
R. Pebblebottom

Kharanos, Level 10

2009-03-03T08:22:00.003-07:00

Dear Innkeeper Belm,

I was recently doing some market research in your inn—wink—and noticed you are serving “bunny on a sword”. Why? I have always enjoyed your freshly baked and tough hunks of bread, but don’t see the need for whole bunnies impaled on swords. After traveling throughout Dun Morogh, protecting these noble creatures from vicious snow leopards, who wants to eat one? The fur!

How about Wolf on an Axe? I had Boar on a Dagger once, but got very ill. (May not have been the boar. I was eating Bear on a Staff as well.) Do you have anything for upset stomachs?

I no longer wish to make your inn my home, but will return for your wonderful brews from time to time. Have you tried the Hair of the Hare yet? It’s true what they say.

Thank you for looking into this matter.
R. Pebblebottom

P.S. Do you have Wendigo on a Mace?

Brewnall Village, Level 8

2009-02-26T07:56:00.002-07:00

Dear Marleth Barleybrew,

Love your mugs! You recently asked me to covertly swap some barrels of beer in order to teach the Thunderbrews that theirs isn’t the only decent brew.

How will you know if the patrons like it better? Do you need me to do some further market research? For a few gold, I will gather demographic data and suggest a niche for your products. (bitters, ales, mash, boar tusks, and mugs) I would ask everyone, “Do you like the beer that’s not the beer you ordered?” and wink slyly. If they wink back, I would know they liked it.

My idea for a new brew is called Hair of the Hare. I know what your thinking, and it is not made of rabbit fur, just silverleaf and yellow snow. Some ruined leather scraps. Delicious! (I have a lead on some yellow snow.) I may try your marketing method myself, although I don’t enjoy deceiving fellow dwarves. I have stolen from trolls. Maybe I’ll swap troll barrels and see how they like Hair of the Hare.

Thank you for considering my offer. I await your reply.

Sincerely,
R. Pebblebottom, creator of Hair of the Hair
“It’s like kissing a rabbit!”

Anvilmar, Level 4

2009-02-24T08:22:00.007-07:00

Dear Thran Khorman,

Thank you for teaching me to rend. It comes in very handy when battling crag boars. Boy do they bleed now. I think before I was just ripping them slightly, but the rending is really working.

When will you teach me to dance? I don’t care much for how I currently dance, it’s somewhat obnoxious and I find it hard to find a suitable partner. I danced with a Coldridge Mountaineer for 42 minutes, taking only minor breaks to grease my knees, and she didn’t even flinch. I thought I saw a slight nod, but can’t be sure. I need you to show me a proper boogie. I am convinced she would have swooned and asked me to hearth with her.

I observed a gnome fellow that could really cut a rug. Now that was dancing! No bruised shins or flying shoes. (The swelling on her forehead is going down a bit.)

Let’s make this happen! I want to get down!!!

By Magni’s Beard,
R. Pebblebottom

Dear Azeroth,

2009-02-19T10:12:00.003-07:00

I love your Azeroth. (Murlocs!)

I’m hooked on rabbits and everything hare-related. I told my brother-in-law the other day how impressed I was with your use of bunnies.

I’m writing to inform you that I will be in Azeroth for quite some time. (Could be longer.) My sister, Melanie Honeyrump, has lived in Dun Morogh for ages and she speaks often of the wonderful tough hunks of bread. The spring water sounds refreshing!

If you see me, please wave. I will be wearing a tan button-down shirt with no collar or pockets. If I do not wave back, I might have an axe in my hand. (or bunny!) My ears slice easily, so I’ve learned to nod very modestly in acknowledgement. It is a slight nod and almost imperceptible. You may miss it.

With respect,
R. Pebblebottom